Out of Control

via Unsplash

I like lists. Schedules. Planners. Being prepared. As much as I appreciate order, though, life continues to teach me that I can’t control everything.

Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.
-John Lennon

Sometimes, there’s nothing you can do other than let go and focus on the things you can change.

I’m learning this more and more lately.

Because I have anxiety, I can easily spin out—especially when there are too many what ifs hanging over my head. I’ve always been observant and curious, which are both my best and worst qualities. I see everything. I always have. Sometimes it’s a bit like being the psychic in a Stephen King novel. You just know shit’s gonna hit the fan, but no one will listen to you because you’re weird.

I can be stubborn and pushy, which almost never works, but I have a really hard time letting go and letting be.

Especially when it concerns people I love.

But more and more I’m learning to focus on me. Even when it feels selfish or wrong. Because, at the end of the day, the only thing I can control is what I do.

I can’t make my autoimmune disease go away, but I can keep track of my pain levels and try new medications.

I can’t force a loved one to get help, but I can be a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen with.

I can’t fix my country’s social and political issues, but I can get my own affairs in order, while being kind to everyone.

Because the truth is, no matter how observant I may be and how much I might worry, I still don’t know what the future holds. Not for sure, anyway. By working on myself, though, and making sure my own world is stable, I can be more available for others—and whatever comes next.

My worry list is long, but the more I work on myself, the more capable I am of coping with those worries.