Maybe because I thought they were stupid, that they were just distracting me. In truth, I think they were keeping me on track.
My goals for 2015 were divided into three areas of my life:
Make a full-time income
Write the South of Forever series
Write a YA series
Get an apartment
Have a date every week
Be more patient
Get a diagnosis and treatment
Do more yoga
Jury’s still out on the yoga thing. I remember to do it maybe once a month. #oops
The last time I set goals for the month was July.
That’s two months of nothing. Interestingly, I was super depressed throughout August and September. Does setting goals really impact my mental health that much? Maybe.
When I think about September, I think about new beginnings. But when I think of October, I can only think about the impending winter. November is even worse.
It doesn’t help that I feel so heavy because of the medication I’m on. Thinking is very hard right now. But I want those goals. I need something to refer to this month to keep me on track.
I think, when you are in a fragile place, you need to set goals that are super attainable but not too easy. I decided to pick three things that I’m already working on.
Release Savannah’s Song
Adjust depression medication
Read 1-3 books
Savannah’s Song comes out on the 26th. I’m seeing my APRN tonight to do something about my meds. (I still think I want to come off of everything and start fresh.) And I’m already reading K.A. Tucker’s Ten Tiny Breaths.
Sometimes, when you’re down, you need to build yourself back up.
My family is scattered. At one point we all practically lived in the same house. Now we’re separated across Connecticut and Virginia. Normally, I miss them but I’m able to go about my day. We’re all living our own lives, occasionally reuniting to celebrate the milestones. Times like today, though, I feel the pang of that split.
It’s my grandfather’s birthday, and all I want is to be around my family.
I’m too sick.
Plus, later, I have to go to the DMV. Today is not my favorite.
But thanks to Facebook, we can trade photos and stories. My sister dug up this photo of my grandparents with me on my college graduation. My aunt and I were discussing the various traits we all inherited from Popi. Across the gap, we’re still closer than ever.
I’m seriously starting to hate Wellbutrin. First it turned my thoughts against me. Now it’s ruining my sleep.
When I first started taking it, it made me laser focused. I could think. I could write again. For about two weeks, I tackled my To Do list with a fever. I even commented on it to my therapist, that it was almost too good to be true.
Two weeks ago, after being on Wellbutrin for a couple of months, I lost all concentration. I stopped writing. Disturbing thoughts started popping into my head. They weren’t suicidal thoughts, per se, but they were definitely not mine.
Last night, the nightmares started. I’ve always had odd dreams on Wellbutrin. They were quirky and charming. Now they’re bloody and terrifying.
It all reminds me too much of when I was on Viibryd.
I still can’t quite talk about the hellish experience I had. But I know when it’s time to get out of Dodge.
I have an appointment with my APRN for psych meds on Thursday. He has razor sharp instincts when it comes to these meds, but I want off. I won’t wean without supervision. I know how dangerous that can be. And I’m sure that there’s a drug out there that will work for me. I’ve just had enough for now.
Maybe I’m a little traumatized. Maybe I’m being too extreme. All I know is, Viibryd almost killed me. I won’t make the same mistake again.
I’ll be honest: blogging twice a day, five days a week was killing me. I was lucky if I managed four days at Elizabeth Barone; I hit the lotto if I managed two at Kaylene Campbell. I also kept stumbling on a pesky question with a pretty good point: What do I write about where? Meaning, did I reserve just personal stuff for EB? or should I only blog about mental health on KC?
Dude. It was exhausting.
Plus, I don’t keep my pen names a secret. There was no real reason to keep my blogs separate.
It dawned on me that I could make one blogging home for myself, while keeping the other websites as static “look at my books!” command centers.
So what can you expect here? Everything: news about both my Young Adult and New Adult books; my life with dysthymia and Enthesitis Related Arthritis; and more!